Tips from a Blowfessional

I continue to get affirmation on my Blowfessional oral skills, so I thought it might be a fun change of pace on the blog to switch up from my usual writing style and content, and instead, offer some tips and advice on things I consider to be part of the skillset to stellar oral prowess.

1. Saliva is your new BFF. Be wary of alcohol and some allergy/cold meds – the dehydrating factor can make a pleasant oral situation very uncomfortable for both parties involved.  There are some tricks to increasing the wetness in your mouth:
• Chew gum for a few minutes in advance --- the chewing action naturally increases saliva production.  Don’t keep it in for the actual blowjay though!
• If you can’t chew gum, you can simulate (and do this occasionally throughout the activity) by working your mouth and swallowing excessively. Voila! It’s getting’ wet in hurrrrrr.
2. The Tease. Unless you’re doing a completely surprise blow (e.g. morning wakeup job), I think it’s important to at least do a little bit of teasing with kissing other areas, paying special attention to areas just in proximity of the actual man goods – thighs, lower abdomen.  Some light biting at this juncture never hurts either.  He will be overcome with anticipation.
3. Slow Descent. When you get to the actual job itself, I tend to go with a slow onset as far as “insertion” of the goods --- it continues with the tease pace, but also, ensures you get it adequately lubricated before going with a faster pace --- no bobbing on a dry penis! 
4. Go Deep.  I’m blessed with the lack of a gag reflex, which I know is fortunate in my blow game. Going deep into the throat makes for the next-level oral experience, and it will blow the boy’s mind. If you have a gag reflex, you should attempt to practice overcoming it – perhaps with a large sex toy.
5. Use Tongue. It might not be easy at first, but using your tongue while blowing is next level.  It’s sort of like that pat-your-head while rubbing-your-tummy challenge --- difficult and confusing at first, but once you get the hang of it, not too hard to bob and weave, errrrr, tongue. My favorite moves are swirling your tongue around the head while descending, and while in deepthroat mode, sliding your tongue out and lower onto a lower portion of the penis/balls.
6. Use Hands. A great blowjob is really a great handjob + blowjob, in perfect synchronicity.
7. Keep him guessing. Don’t offer a predictable pattern --- start slow, and yes then increase, but also continue to adjust the tempo at random intervals.  Build him up, bring him down (i.e. tease), and repeat. The power is literally in your hands (and mouth) – when you’re ready, go full-on, and FINISH HIM.  [read that in your Mortal Kombat voice by the way.]
8. Grand Finale. Don’t be afraid of the grand finale. I prefer the swallow ending, but every now and then offer other visual finishes.  Ahem: moral of the story, don’t be afraid to get messy. 

Another random side note – the easiest position for a blow gig is the girl kneeling in front of a guy sitting – then you don’t have to contend with balance of hovering over top and have free reign of head and both hands to assist. If you’re trying to work up your skills to an advanced state, this is a great position to practice some things and increase your confidence.

Those are some of the tips that came to the forefront of my mind.  Anyone else have any necessary and critical tips I should add to my blowfessional repertoire?

I’m still a good girl. Mostly.

A couple of years ago, I was still very newly learning my way around the (unexpected, very unwanted) single life, and I was particularly confused with whom I wanted to be.  Was I a good girl with an inner bad girl core?  Or a bad girl dealing with the need to overcome shyness mascaraing as some type of moral compass?  I wrote a quick blurb on my perplexed musings, and to date, it’s one of my favorite posts on the blog, extremely telling of my confusion and desire to understand it all.

Fast-forward two years, a couple of semi-serious boyfriends, countless dates, and lots of sexing, and I have a much better idea of whom I am as a single gal.  One shameful hookup (remember footballer?) juxtaposed by a mere few hours with an ex hookup really caused me to examine and begin to comprehend how my desires and relationship preferences needed to comingle.

As I’ve begun to find my voice and network on Twitter, I’ve also been confronted with my good girl / bad girl duality in a very direct manner. My tone can trend toward highly flirtatious and hypersexual (just like my inner naughty girl – it’s not a farce), but then again, my good girl conscience isn’t threatened at all because with my anonymous Twitter, no one is really expecting me to “put my money where my mouth is” so to speak.   Twitter has allowed me to explore the depths of my (currently under-satiated) sexuality, within the confines of my good girl parameters.  Win-Win.

So what are my rules?  Well, essentially, as I’ve mentioned on Twitter in a variety of manners, I’m essentially a highly sexual girl at an impasse with her good girl conscience.  This means good girl really runs the show, and bad girl sits on the inside, pouting and threatening and planning her escape, but never really getting the full power to pull through with any naughty plans. It was excessively frustrating at times, but now that I understand my “rules” a bit more, I try to not let it bother me to any burdensome level.

Yes, there will be many times when I will feel like my libido is suffering an excruciating amount of deprivation. Yes, there will be times when I catch a twinkle in someone’s eye or the semblance of a mutually beneficial solely sexual proposition.  And I contemplate giving in to the bad girl at times. But I typically recount how I felt after that one purely no-strings-attached sexscapade with the college football player –  ashamed, used, and immensely lonely. And I don’t want to do that to myself again.  Sadly, I’m not the hookup girl.  Perhaps it would make things easier for me in the between-relationship stages, and sometimes I do wish my good girl conscience didn’t exist.  But she does. So I have to learn to live with her.

For now, Twitter is appeasing the duality of my internal struggle, and my deprived sexuality. Well, Twitter and my trusty purple “friend.”   ;)  And who knows what a couple more years will bring… perhaps Naughty Girl will look back on this post, emit a devious chuckle, and slink off to find the naughtiness that lies ahead for the evening.

a day in the life of this single mama.

I don’t normally write on topics outside of the dating and relationship realm, but I thought it might be interesting to provide a glimpse into the fast-paced, hyper-scheduled life I lead as a single working mom.  It offers a view as to why I have such little time to devote to dating (and when I’m in a relationship, the struggle to balance it all becomes especially challenging)!

A typical weekday

• 5:30/45 am – alarm! [yawn]
• 6:15 am – Son gets up, feed/care for pets, assist little guy with getting ready and prepare his breakfast
• 6:45 am – Leave home
• 7:00 am – Drop the boy at preschool / commute to work
• 7:30 am – Start workday / eat breakfast / COFFEE time! [have I really been up for 2 hrs already??]
• 10:30 am – Use lunch hour to do 30-40 min workout at company gym
• 12:00 pm – Lunch at desk while working
• 4:30 pm – Peace outta work.  Evening commute time.
• 5:15 pm – Pick up my guy from his grandmother’s.
• 5:45 pm – Arrive home, begin dinner, and precious little time of hanging with the boy!
• 7:30 pm – Begin bedtime routine for little guy, with PJs, bathroom stuff, and storytime/song, discussing behavior for the day (reward chart sticker Y/N?), and our “thankful thoughts” (i.e. agnostic prayers)
• 8:00 pm – Any leftover chores, To-Dos, reading, etc.  This is the precious little sliver of “me” time in the day!
• 10:00 pm – start dragging myself toward bed to prepare for the rinse/lather/repeat formula of doing it all over again the next day…

Random note… One thing I definitely miss now that I’m a single mom is TV.  I never have time to watch TV… the little bit of free time I have is always spent “catching up” on things that always seem more important and imperative.  I’ve probably watched a total of 30 minutes in the last 2-3 weeks. [sadface.]  (and if I pick JUST ONE show, it’s most definitely New Girl.  Parks & Rec is a close second.)

So that’s a glimpse into the random day of my crazed life!  I suppose everyone has their own version of a busy life, but mine definitely took on a new pattern once I became a single mom.  Nearly three years in though, and we’re definitely in our own little rhythm.  I suppose that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Sexdeprived Mockery {tweet}

{not} as seen on TV

It happens to nearly everyone that delves into the online dating scene – you end up going out with someone who looks NOTHING like their profile pictures.  I’ve been lucky thus far, and haven’t encountered this unfortunate situation – until last week.

I noticed an impending free weekend coming up on my schedule (nearly an extinct specimen lately), and decided to get ballsy and find someone new via the okcupid scene. I stumbled on a guy who looked cute in his pictures and had a hefty match score to me; I messaged him, and he responded promptly, so I pulled out those dusty ladyballs and asked him if he wanted to meet up (I much prefer bypassing all the pre-date flirtation; I’d rather find out chemistry up front before investing a lot of time and energy).  A Saturday night date for drinks was a go!

I was a smidgen more excited than usual, so I suppose I’m easing back into the old saddle slowly but surely. However, his text to me as I was getting ready gave me a teensy bit of hesitation.

“I’m wearing a red polo shirt.” {so I could locate him at the bar}

Sometimes style and clothing can TOTALLY ruin attraction for me (pleated pants rings a bell…) and I immediately pictured a bright red (boyish) polo shirt (which I imagined is taking things a bit casual for a first date post sundown, no matter how low-key the bar).

I walk in to the bar, and no, the guy was not difficult to spot – he was indeed wearing a bright red polo shirt (with a collegiate logo, to further the casual vibe).  But that wasn’t the worst part. He looked NEARLY NOTHING like his profile pictures; his hair was different, he was packing many more LBs, and he was majorly acne-fied.

My immediate reaction was “oh fuck, I’m going to have to sit here for an hour or two and play nice with someone I have absolutely no interest in” and then it quickly morphed into guilt – “Dammit, why am I so shallow and evil?  Why can’t I just look past appearance and give this guy a chance?”  Guilt quickly melted into anger though… he purposefully misled me and others through his profile, which portrayed him as someone he is clearly not (perhaps he was several years ago, but it still doesn’t negate the sham).

We chatted casually an hour or so, and then I pulled the go card. I thought I was sending a fairly clear “no” vibe, but he still asked if I was up for a second date as we were leaving. I hesitated for a second, and then replied with honesty “No, I’m sorry… I just didn’t feel any connection.”  I suppose even though that’s harsh, it was better than saying “Hell to the no; I could NOT get with that.”  I still felt like an ass though, because that’s just how I am.

But, it leads me to broader thoughts; for people that do have misleading photos on their online dating profile, what’s the story there? Why are they marketing and packaging something that is a distorted version of the truth?  Are they at all self-aware with the realization that they’re offering up some semblance of a sham, but end up being more focused on landing a date that *might* work out than they are with being honest?  Or are these people totally clueless, and just think that putting their best, likely aged, photos online is perfectly fine, even if they aren’t at all what they look like?

I suppose it’s probably a mixed bag for the population among the two theories, or maybe even a medley of both. I sure wish I could get my dates “as seen on TV” before I pull the “yep, let’s meet up” card, now that I’ve been burned by the misleader.  Hell, I’d probably fork over 3 easy payments of $Whatever.99 to confirm that the product in the package is the same as what I ordered.

post-date synopsis

twitter topic.